The last two years, the best and the toughest!

Noah is almost 2 years old.  In two days I will have been a Mummy for 2 years.  It seems like no time at all really and yet its been the longest two years of my life.

In hindsight I have had post postpartum depression and not taken the time to heal, both emotionally and physically from my birth experience.  ( I just posted them to this blog)

Aaron videoed Noah's birth, but I still find it hard to watch.   It makes me sad and angry.  The end result was a healthy Noah, and for that I am grateful.  

However I feel alot was taken from  me that day! 

I read so much about trusting your instincts and body. But how was I to do that when my body was broken or not working.  I have diabetes.  
I had managed my diabetes amazingly throughout my pregnancy, and I had a great pregnancy, no sickness, Noah was hitting all his growth targets perfectly.  For all intence and purposes this was a text book pregnancy. Except I had diabetes, the odds were not in my favor and the numbers were against me!

Noah was a miracle baby.  As a teenager I had heavy and painful periods.  In my early twenties I thought i had polytheistic overy syndrome.  I also developed Bulimia Nervosa and my periods stopped altogether.    I had maybe 1-2 menstrual cycles a year. 
 Then in 2010 at a wellness exam my ob and I decided i should go on the pill to regulate my cycles it was as a result of this visit i was diagnosed with diabetes.  Up until this point we had not used contraception as I did not believe I could get pregnant and 4 years of marriage proved my point.  
in 2012 i had my diabetes  under control with diet, exercise and a few pills.  I had lost a good amount of weight, was happy and that's when I got pregnant. I had, had to make a rushed visit to the UK as my dad was sick with cancer. I had forgotten to take "the pill" with me and when I came back to the USA had to re order them.  I was off the pill for a total of 3 months. I was monitoring my cycle and fertility on a app called pink pad as my best friends was actually trying to get pregnant and I thought it would be fun to try to. Knowing, convinced that I was infertile.  I went back on the pill at the end of August not knowing i was pregnant. I found out i was pregnant in Oct at 3months due to bloating and a instinctual feeling something was off. I took 3 tests one after the other and they all lit up with that little pink line.  My life forever changed. 

As I said, I had an easy pregnancy.  I was refereed to specialists to be monitored.  This was a double edged sword. I wanted natural and medication free. The Doctors although respecting my views, were not supportive. Their job was survival. Numbers, statistics.  They were the best at what they did and if my baby needed saving i was at the right place.  They always went on the assumption that my baby would need saving.   I constantly heard that if I tired to carry my son past 39 weeks "chances of infant mortality were high"  What was I to think! My sisters all had late babies, carried to at least 42/43 weeks, some had to be induced but all delivered vaginally.

I hired a Doula, as I felt I needed a advocate.  I had a birth plan but was prepared to be flexible. I had taken bradly method classes. I was educated, armed with knowledge and ready.  I wanted a natural, vaginal birth, I was determined to have that!


I agreed to be induced at 39 weeks, I was scared if I didnt I would lose Noah.  This was due to Doc statistics. 

I believe that my body was not ready and forcing the process was what lead the C-sec and ultimately not being able to bond with my son for the first week, ( I felt so detached from him, he didn't feel like he was mine) and him not being able to latch. 

I worked for two month straight, pumping, using a nipple shield and finger feeding.  But Noah was not gaining weight and still could not latch.  He was in premie clothes for 2 months. I painstakingly  made the decision to add organic formula and then switch.  He thrived and put on weight.  His personality changed, he became a happy baby!  I grieved at not being able to feed my baby the way I felt I should.  But it broke my heart to be sitting next to a nursing mother hearing her child gulping down milks and Noah working twice as hard for half the amount.  He was frustrated and hungry as he nursed almost constantly until we switched to formula.


I was also scared Noah would die of SIDS. My brother died from SIDS at 6m old.  So we co slept and i held him constantly. I loved it but i was also on high alert. 


I was busy worrying and being a new mummy that I wasnt looking after myself, my diabetes.

The weight didn't come off the way others mummy's did.

They way I felt about myself changed. I already had body issues, what woman doesn't.   but before Noah I felt sexy, I felt beautiful.  Now I felt lik ea fat broken down baby machine.

I look at other women empowering themselves about their post baby bodies, all different all so beautiful, but I cant find the beauty in mine!

Being a mommy is the most wonderful thing ever!  Im honored to be a mommy, to have this amazing little boy, soaking up the world, challenging me every step of way. But i feel lost.