How to be closer to your siblings

She could get under my skin like no one else could, she knew my weakness and her aim was that of a sniper. My sister was also my biggest ali as a child, we could tear each other to pieces but this privilege was scared territory we protected fiercely.

This bond between family has always fascinated me. I am the oldest of 6 girls. We came along in twos so we all had a playmate or personal bully. As we have all gotten older the age gap between oldest and youngest closes and we are all pretty close.

I have just spent 3 weeks back in London where my family is based. I hadn't seen most of my sisters in nearly 3 years now I live in the USA. 2 of my sisters had come out to visit both at separate times. Each visit was a pleasure, I was able to re connect with them on a more personal level and our relationship evolved from sisters to friends. This dynamic changes when we are all together. We all revert back to kids. My youngest sister for example who I found delightful, respectful, caring, supportive and fun turns in to a sullen, rude, disrespectful stranger when we are all together. The middle sister who also visited me last year is a strong, dependable, reasonable young woman who turns into a unreasonable, bellowing, victim.

We bring out the worst in each other when we are together, we joke about it but looking back it makes me sad. I dont want to be a person that contributes to sending my sisters back to a place they felt threatened. I want to bring out the best in them not just when we are alone but as a group, I want to us to be supportive and nurturing, for us to come away from being together and feeling good about ourselves and looking forward to our next meeting.

I found an article by Jane Isay in the "REALSIMPLE" magazine, she writes about 10 ways to be closer your siblings. Here are the highlights.

1) CHILDHOOD IS LIKE VEGAS: LET WHAT HAPPENED STAY THERE

Dont dwell on who did what to who. Make a conscious effort to forgive these childhood misdeeds and they will soon be water under the bridge.

2) MAKE A CAMEO APPEARANCE

We are all expected to be at certain family functions. That's being part of a family. But showing up unexpectedly at your sisters 5k run or a school event, now that means something.

3) STOP BEING THE FAMILY MOLE

Sibling relationships are often defined by behind the back gossiping, weather that means secretly slamming one another to a sister or listening greedily as mum degrades a sisters choice of boyfriend, job etc. As expected all this chatter erodes honesty and makes it nearly impossible to be as close knit with your sisters as you would like to be. SO CUT IT OUT. If your finding it hard to tear yourself away from mums gripe fest remember it will be about you next time.

4) MIND YOUR MANNERS

We talk to our friends with more respect and manners than we do our siblings. You dont have to be formal with siblings but a cruel or petty comment still hurts no matter who close you are to them. Comments and digs about weight, grammar usage and choice of friends are especially of limits.

5) FIGHT TYPECASTING

Growing up you have been pegged by your family with a certain role. The responsible one, the loose cannon, the brains but not looks, pretty but dumb, the baby etc. No matter how you blossom as adults the roles stick. At the next family dinner mention that your sister "the dumb one" is doing well in their job, that your brother "the loose cannon" is writing a book and settling down. By acknowledging the way your siblings have evolved from their childhood roles, you give everyone the green light to see you differently as well.

6) PLAY NICE WITH YOUR SISTER SPOUSE.

By doing this you send the message that this man, dispute his unfriendly demeanor and brashness deserves a chance, and to your sister you will prove your loyalty and acceptance. If they break up it will be a even greater sign if you dont say I was faking it the whole time

7) GET OUT OF DODGE
Back in the day family holidays meant dividing the back seat of the car with masking tape and lots of she touched me she looked at me a certain way. Now on a trip with your siblings you get to choose the destination and the travel arrangements. Do things together that allow you to bond, eat together at least twice.

8) AVOID HOT BUTTON TOPICS (RELIGION, POLITICS ETC)
It sounds like common sence but to many of us forget this and make statements and pronouncements that land on irritated ears. If you are not on the same wave length as your conservative sister or meat free brother stay clear of these topics.


A good reminder that if family really does come first and we claim to love and respect them these 8 points will be something we put into practice.

Here's happy families.