Noah is almost 2 years old. In two days I will have been a Mummy for 2 years. It seems like no time at all really and yet its been the longest two years of my life.
In hindsight I have had post postpartum depression and not taken the time to heal, both emotionally and physically from my birth experience. ( I just posted them to this blog)
Aaron videoed Noah's birth, but I still find it hard to watch. It makes me sad and angry. The end result was a healthy Noah, and for that I am grateful.
However I feel alot was taken from me that day!
I read so much about trusting your instincts and body. But how was I to do that when my body was broken or not working. I have diabetes.
I had managed my diabetes amazingly throughout my pregnancy, and I had a great pregnancy, no sickness, Noah was hitting all his growth targets perfectly. For all intence and purposes this was a text book pregnancy. Except I had diabetes, the odds were not in my favor and the numbers were against me!
Noah was a miracle baby. As a teenager I had heavy and painful periods. In my early twenties I thought i had polytheistic overy syndrome. I also developed Bulimia Nervosa and my periods stopped altogether. I had maybe 1-2 menstrual cycles a year.
Then in 2010 at a wellness exam my ob and I decided i should go on the pill to regulate my cycles it was as a result of this visit i was diagnosed with diabetes. Up until this point we had not used contraception as I did not believe I could get pregnant and 4 years of marriage proved my point.
in 2012 i had my diabetes under control with diet, exercise and a few pills. I had lost a good amount of weight, was happy and that's when I got pregnant. I had, had to make a rushed visit to the UK as my dad was sick with cancer. I had forgotten to take "the pill" with me and when I came back to the USA had to re order them. I was off the pill for a total of 3 months. I was monitoring my cycle and fertility on a app called pink pad as my best friends was actually trying to get pregnant and I thought it would be fun to try to. Knowing, convinced that I was infertile. I went back on the pill at the end of August not knowing i was pregnant. I found out i was pregnant in Oct at 3months due to bloating and a instinctual feeling something was off. I took 3 tests one after the other and they all lit up with that little pink line. My life forever changed.
As I said, I had an easy pregnancy. I was refereed to specialists to be monitored. This was a double edged sword. I wanted natural and medication free. The Doctors although respecting my views, were not supportive. Their job was survival. Numbers, statistics. They were the best at what they did and if my baby needed saving i was at the right place. They always went on the assumption that my baby would need saving. I constantly heard that if I tired to carry my son past 39 weeks "chances of infant mortality were high" What was I to think! My sisters all had late babies, carried to at least 42/43 weeks, some had to be induced but all delivered vaginally.
I hired a Doula, as I felt I needed a advocate. I had a birth plan but was prepared to be flexible. I had taken bradly method classes. I was educated, armed with knowledge and ready. I wanted a natural, vaginal birth, I was determined to have that!
I agreed to be induced at 39 weeks, I was scared if I didnt I would lose Noah. This was due to Doc statistics.
I believe that my body was not ready and forcing the process was what lead the C-sec and ultimately not being able to bond with my son for the first week, ( I felt so detached from him, he didn't feel like he was mine) and him not being able to latch.
I worked for two month straight, pumping, using a nipple shield and finger feeding. But Noah was not gaining weight and still could not latch. He was in premie clothes for 2 months. I painstakingly made the decision to add organic formula and then switch. He thrived and put on weight. His personality changed, he became a happy baby! I grieved at not being able to feed my baby the way I felt I should. But it broke my heart to be sitting next to a nursing mother hearing her child gulping down milks and Noah working twice as hard for half the amount. He was frustrated and hungry as he nursed almost constantly until we switched to formula.
I was also scared Noah would die of SIDS. My brother died from SIDS at 6m old. So we co slept and i held him constantly. I loved it but i was also on high alert.
I was busy worrying and being a new mummy that I wasnt looking after myself, my diabetes.
The weight didn't come off the way others mummy's did.
They way I felt about myself changed. I already had body issues, what woman doesn't. but before Noah I felt sexy, I felt beautiful. Now I felt lik ea fat broken down baby machine.
I look at other women empowering themselves about their post baby bodies, all different all so beautiful, but I cant find the beauty in mine!
Being a mommy is the most wonderful thing ever! Im honored to be a mommy, to have this amazing little boy, soaking up the world, challenging me every step of way. But i feel lost.
Monday, May 4, 2015
My Birth Story
Dear Noah
Although I have already included your Doulas notes, I thought I would write about the day you arrived how I remembered it.
It was a cloudy day and raining. I smiled as the rain streaked the windows of the car as we drove down highway 50 to the hospital. The weather reminded me of home (England) how appropriate you would arrive on such a day.
A hushed excitement filled the car and we said good bye to our life as a couple and headed toward a life full of you. Good bye apartment next time im back here Noah will be with me, goodbye Placerville next time we drive through main street Noah will be with us. We looked back at the empty baby seat, looked at each other and grinned.
I was nervous but prepared for labor, after all thousand, nay hundreds of thousands of women go through this. I had a great support team and had done everything I could to prepare and understand the process.
The nurses prepped me. This included being fitted with an IV and being poked several times with needles. My arm was covered in some pretty ugly bruises as I have deep veins and it took several attempts to locate them. It was at this point I wanted to go home and decided internally that I might not be ready for the pain of labor! But there was no going back.
The first contraction took my breath away, and I grabbed the side of the bed and called out your father he came rushing over and spilled hot tea on me mid contraction!
After a few of these contractions I called our doula to come I knew I needed the support. Cyndy our doula encouraged me to find a place/or a sentence during contractions that would get me through it. You where my place, I would talk to you and the thought of you fighting as hard as I was to get into this world kept me going through 13 hrs of contractions.
But around 2pm things got harder. I/we moved and you sat on a nerve in my back, the pain was excruciating and I threw up almost immediately. This back pain continued throughout labor and caused me to continue throwing up.
Cyndy encouraged me to get up and move around although the nurses were not happy as they found it hard to monitor you. Each time I changed positions the contractions took on a new feeling the pain was different and I had to brace my self again. But moving got things going and my waters broke on their own, then the contractions got harder.
I needed the room dark and silent in order to be able to focus on my contractions, I could hear hushed chatter between Myra and Cyndy. Occasionally Cyndy would offer soothing encouragement and reminders, her voice and presence were comforting and a source of strength. I held her hand and your fathers through most of my labor. Your father was always there but for some reason his voice irritated me and I couldn't allow him to speak. I needed to know he was there but as a silent presence. He was my rock.
I remember looking at the clock around 2pm and then again at 2.03pm and then again at 2.10pm. I cant do this I thought, time is going by so slowly and the contractions were so intense. I decided to no longer look at the clock and take one contraction at a time as Cyndy had suggested. If you got through one you can get through the next one and she was right. The next time I looked at the clock it was 6pm.
The nurses were worried about you, you where having decelerations, a decrease in the fetal heart rate below the fetal baseline heart rate. Decelerations occur when there is a fall in the level of oxygen in the fetal blood. The nurses found that the only position that helped your decelerations was for me to labor on my side. This was practically impossible as this was the position that aggravated my back and I was in severe pain. I could not relax into contractions instead I could only hold on to the bed rails with dear life crying out in pain. it was at this point that an epidural was suggested. I so desperately wanted to avoid pain meds but for the sake of you, and I was exhausted by this point I needed the pain to stop so I relented. Suddenly everything was ok! the pain had gone and I could breath, maybe I could do this I thought.
Dr McElvy entered the room and after hushed talks with the nurses, came over to Aaron and I and explained that my contractions being as hard as they were, still being only 2cm dilated and the decels where to much for baby she recommenced a emergency c-sec. I was devastated but in all honesty was so drugged up - there was a party in my head, I didnt care, I just wanted Noah and I wanted this to be over. I heard them say something about turning the epi up as I was going in for a c-sec. Everything was a blur from then on. The room suddenly was a hub of activity prepping me for surgery. I was a dead weight and could barley move at this point. I remember being wheeled in and being prepped. Looking up and seeing people talking above me. Then seeing your dad so happy and beaming, you where now in the world. I wasnt even aware they had taken you I thought I was still being prepped. I heard laughing as you pooped on the nurse and someone put my glasses on me so I could see you and then you where whisked away again but your father was there with you every step of the way.
I was wheeled into recovery and you where placed on me. I was shaking so much from the drugs I could barely touch you. But you were here and it was over. My precious son.
Although I have already included your Doulas notes, I thought I would write about the day you arrived how I remembered it.
It was a cloudy day and raining. I smiled as the rain streaked the windows of the car as we drove down highway 50 to the hospital. The weather reminded me of home (England) how appropriate you would arrive on such a day.
A hushed excitement filled the car and we said good bye to our life as a couple and headed toward a life full of you. Good bye apartment next time im back here Noah will be with me, goodbye Placerville next time we drive through main street Noah will be with us. We looked back at the empty baby seat, looked at each other and grinned.
I was nervous but prepared for labor, after all thousand, nay hundreds of thousands of women go through this. I had a great support team and had done everything I could to prepare and understand the process.
The nurses prepped me. This included being fitted with an IV and being poked several times with needles. My arm was covered in some pretty ugly bruises as I have deep veins and it took several attempts to locate them. It was at this point I wanted to go home and decided internally that I might not be ready for the pain of labor! But there was no going back.
The first contraction took my breath away, and I grabbed the side of the bed and called out your father he came rushing over and spilled hot tea on me mid contraction!
After a few of these contractions I called our doula to come I knew I needed the support. Cyndy our doula encouraged me to find a place/or a sentence during contractions that would get me through it. You where my place, I would talk to you and the thought of you fighting as hard as I was to get into this world kept me going through 13 hrs of contractions.
But around 2pm things got harder. I/we moved and you sat on a nerve in my back, the pain was excruciating and I threw up almost immediately. This back pain continued throughout labor and caused me to continue throwing up.
Cyndy encouraged me to get up and move around although the nurses were not happy as they found it hard to monitor you. Each time I changed positions the contractions took on a new feeling the pain was different and I had to brace my self again. But moving got things going and my waters broke on their own, then the contractions got harder.
I needed the room dark and silent in order to be able to focus on my contractions, I could hear hushed chatter between Myra and Cyndy. Occasionally Cyndy would offer soothing encouragement and reminders, her voice and presence were comforting and a source of strength. I held her hand and your fathers through most of my labor. Your father was always there but for some reason his voice irritated me and I couldn't allow him to speak. I needed to know he was there but as a silent presence. He was my rock.
I remember looking at the clock around 2pm and then again at 2.03pm and then again at 2.10pm. I cant do this I thought, time is going by so slowly and the contractions were so intense. I decided to no longer look at the clock and take one contraction at a time as Cyndy had suggested. If you got through one you can get through the next one and she was right. The next time I looked at the clock it was 6pm.
The nurses were worried about you, you where having decelerations, a decrease in the fetal heart rate below the fetal baseline heart rate. Decelerations occur when there is a fall in the level of oxygen in the fetal blood. The nurses found that the only position that helped your decelerations was for me to labor on my side. This was practically impossible as this was the position that aggravated my back and I was in severe pain. I could not relax into contractions instead I could only hold on to the bed rails with dear life crying out in pain. it was at this point that an epidural was suggested. I so desperately wanted to avoid pain meds but for the sake of you, and I was exhausted by this point I needed the pain to stop so I relented. Suddenly everything was ok! the pain had gone and I could breath, maybe I could do this I thought.
Dr McElvy entered the room and after hushed talks with the nurses, came over to Aaron and I and explained that my contractions being as hard as they were, still being only 2cm dilated and the decels where to much for baby she recommenced a emergency c-sec. I was devastated but in all honesty was so drugged up - there was a party in my head, I didnt care, I just wanted Noah and I wanted this to be over. I heard them say something about turning the epi up as I was going in for a c-sec. Everything was a blur from then on. The room suddenly was a hub of activity prepping me for surgery. I was a dead weight and could barley move at this point. I remember being wheeled in and being prepped. Looking up and seeing people talking above me. Then seeing your dad so happy and beaming, you where now in the world. I wasnt even aware they had taken you I thought I was still being prepped. I heard laughing as you pooped on the nurse and someone put my glasses on me so I could see you and then you where whisked away again but your father was there with you every step of the way.
I was wheeled into recovery and you where placed on me. I was shaking so much from the drugs I could barely touch you. But you were here and it was over. My precious son.
Doulas Notes on Noahs Arrival
I have decided to post my Doulas notes about my labor on this blog too. It has been on my "letters to Noah" blog. Im ready to talk about it, so here is my birth story!
Dear Noah
Mom and Dad were very excited for the birth of their first child, due 5/15/13 and added a doula to their birth team. Due to medical reasons, instead of waiting for labor to start on its own, mom and dad check into Sutter memorial on 5/6/13 to start an induction. Room 261, Jody the nurse checks mom and there is no dilation. Miso is inserted at 9.30am. Mom starts cramping and by noon I arrive (doula). Mom is laying down which is tough so mom gets up and sits on the ball. 1.05p, mom is in hands and knees position and her water breaks. Contractions are now much stronger but mostly there is pain on her side so severe she vomits. At 2pm Dr wants to start picocen but mom and dad decline for now as the contractions are so hard. Myra arrives at 3pm. Baby is difficult to keep on monitor. Mom finds sitting on the bed to be a resting position and is off monitor for an hour. Dr McElvy arrives at 4.30pm. Exam at 4.35pm shows 2cm/90%?-1. FST is put in to monitor baby. Mom sits then stands and then leans over ball with dads support. Back to bed at 6.30pm, baby is having some decels. Anesthesia is in at 6.30 for consult. 6.47pm baby is decelling some more so doctor does another exam and puts in an IUPC to monitor strength of ctx. New nurse at 7pm is Amber. Ctx are 2-3 mins apart. Anesthesia is in at 8.05pm for an epidural so mom can labor on her side despite the intense back/side pain. Dr is in for exam right away still only 2cm. Suggests emergency c-sec. Mom and dad decide it is best for baby and is taken back at 8.45pm. Dad and Doula are allowed in the surgery at 9pm and Noah Benjamin Dinsdale arrives at 9.10pm weighing 6lb 2ozs on 5/6/13. Lots of family are in waiting room ready to welcome baby Noah!
Cyndy Whitwell - Doula
Dear Noah
Mom and Dad were very excited for the birth of their first child, due 5/15/13 and added a doula to their birth team. Due to medical reasons, instead of waiting for labor to start on its own, mom and dad check into Sutter memorial on 5/6/13 to start an induction. Room 261, Jody the nurse checks mom and there is no dilation. Miso is inserted at 9.30am. Mom starts cramping and by noon I arrive (doula). Mom is laying down which is tough so mom gets up and sits on the ball. 1.05p, mom is in hands and knees position and her water breaks. Contractions are now much stronger but mostly there is pain on her side so severe she vomits. At 2pm Dr wants to start picocen but mom and dad decline for now as the contractions are so hard. Myra arrives at 3pm. Baby is difficult to keep on monitor. Mom finds sitting on the bed to be a resting position and is off monitor for an hour. Dr McElvy arrives at 4.30pm. Exam at 4.35pm shows 2cm/90%?-1. FST is put in to monitor baby. Mom sits then stands and then leans over ball with dads support. Back to bed at 6.30pm, baby is having some decels. Anesthesia is in at 6.30 for consult. 6.47pm baby is decelling some more so doctor does another exam and puts in an IUPC to monitor strength of ctx. New nurse at 7pm is Amber. Ctx are 2-3 mins apart. Anesthesia is in at 8.05pm for an epidural so mom can labor on her side despite the intense back/side pain. Dr is in for exam right away still only 2cm. Suggests emergency c-sec. Mom and dad decide it is best for baby and is taken back at 8.45pm. Dad and Doula are allowed in the surgery at 9pm and Noah Benjamin Dinsdale arrives at 9.10pm weighing 6lb 2ozs on 5/6/13. Lots of family are in waiting room ready to welcome baby Noah!
Cyndy Whitwell - Doula
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